Saturday, February 27, 2010

I'm seriously disappointed in myself. Everytime I think I'm making progress, I regress. It's so frustrating!! I don't like doing what I do. God only knows why I do it. Why do I always find myself in this spot where I'm missing how I 'used' to feel or be? It's exhausting. I'm so glad Becky is here tuis weekend. It's relaxing to not be performing for once. I wish it was a switch I could just turn off and I'd never have to act a certain way ever again but it's not. This is going to be a long road. A very long road. Please stick with me on it. I know you're probably sick and tired of my slippery sloping ways, but I'm trying. Really trying.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Who the hell am I?

So God and I were talking today and the main topic of conversation was the fact that I'm addicted to being a chameleon. I completely agree, it just would seem that now that i know I've just been being whoever i'm around, who the hell am I? So I've always liked rock music...right? Of course, I distinctly remember being in highschool and loving all my guys friends. I wanted them to think i was the "cool girl", just one of the guys. (yes, i wanted to be one of the guys) So of course i loved the music they loved, watched the sports they watched, and acted like them. As i got older, the trends of others needs got more serious and my desire to have them love me got more serious. I became a very sexual person, not because i actually thought about sex a whole lot, but because it was funny and guys found it, well, sexy. Most girls don't like to do that? Oh, well, I do. I lost my innocence in nature and actions. I hated to be naive or inexperienced. If I hadn't done it, i quickly figured out how. I can't remember the last time I was doing something for me. My book; that is definitely something from deep within me. Sadly, it's lost direction, but so have I. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing, how could I possibly write any differently? I understand He has awakened myself within me, but now what? Just who is that person? The old me is so familiar and easy, how do I not fall back into that person? Especially when everyone is expecting that person. I am expected to drink the more than you, ravage you in bed, like everything you like, and never finish anything i start. Let me just clue you in for a second, dear people of my life:

I don't like drinking. It makes me say and do things that I truly do not like to say or do. Those aren't my true feelings coming to the surface, that's all my demons being let out to play for however long the buzz lasts. It is not fun for me. I don't like having sex with you. You do not make me feel loved, and frankly the entire time all I'm thinking about is how much I can make you like it and want it, so I don't even end up feeling anything. Yes, thats right, it was a fake, sorry. I like sports, that much is true. Do i want to sit and talk about the players and how amazing each one is? No. Sports are fun to watch, and i love to go to games, but I am not a "sports girl". I'm just amazingly good at faking it. No, I'm not a huge fan of the Cowboys. You were a big fan of the Cowboys, and it just stuck. I only know one of the players and even then i have no idea if they won a game this season. As far as not finishing anything i start goes, that is going to change. It's a part of me that i let go because everyone in my life was ok with it. I'm not ok with it anymore, i never have been. So that is done.

That just covers some of the lies i've been living. I'm still going to struggle with not doing everything in my power to make you love me. I want people to love me, all the time, but I'm done with that. If you don't love me, thats ok. I'll probably still love you, but i love everyone :-) I can't help it. When you're talking about her, and how pathetic she is, all i can think about is how insecure she is and how she probably just needs someone to tell her she's beautiful and has worth in the world. When you mock me and tell me i'm worthless, i know that you're scared and i have nothing to do with it. There is so much that you think i am, that i truly feel so gray. I'm not going to blend anymore, though. This has been the black and white of it, and there is so much more to come.

I'm going to spend some time figuring how who i really am. Everything from my music to my words to the stupid purple streak in my hair. I'm really excited to see who comes out of the gray.