I was freaked out last night. I'm sitting here, wishing all my old friends wanted to hang out with me, but they don't. Which tells me all I need to know about Grand Rapids. I'm so ready to leave. Anything that's waiting for me is better than this.

I hate to admit it, but the last time i was this scared my mom had just dropped me off at Kindergarten and i didn't know anyone.

Let Go and Let God

good lord that sounds so cheezy, but right now its soooo true. All my life i've had a very hard time with possessiveness. My things are my things. You may look but don't touch. I would freak out if someone borrowed anything of mine and I can't stand people even using my kitchen appliances. I've just always been this way. The 5 main things in my life that are MINE: my very expensive fantastic bed, my iphone, my macbook, my car, and my clothes. Typical things to value, i suppose. My problem was i didn't just value, i possessed these things. No one was allowed to touch them, borrow them, or even use them in front of me. These are mine, don't touch them. My 'problem' started when i decided to start praying for God to strip me of everything in my life until i had nothing else to hang onto except Him. (PS i wouldn't even recommend praying this unless you're ready to have your life turned upside down). Just to recap to date, as of today: I've lost my car/license, my iphone has been lost/broken 3xs now (God willing, He lets me continue to have it right now), my Macbook was broken for forever and by His grace its in decent working order right now, but i'm humbly thankful it even runs (i dumped an entire beer allllll over it), i'm leaving my bed in GR while i head to Marquette b/c i have no way to get it up there, but they have a bed for me to use (my sister will be borrowing it while i'm gone *breathe*), and i've officially cut my clothing ownership in HALF giving to my sisters and cousins what i'm not taking with me. I don't think i've thrown quite the temper tantrum to God like what i did today. I couldn't let go of all these things that mean so much to me. But when i took a step back, (and quit stomping my foot) and really asked Him: "why? Why am i acting like this? Why is this so hard for me to let go of?" He said this:

You are defining who you are by what you have around you. You are NOT what you wear. Your status to people around you isn't raised b/c you have an iphone in your hand or because you type on a macbook. You aren't defined by your independence (ability to drive around and take care of myself). You view your bed as that one piece of furniture that is "home" to you. If you have that, you feel like you're home. That isn't a part of you. Quit defining yourself by what is around you, and start letting people see what is inside. Let that outshine everything else.

It's still hard, but He is soooo right (duh). I'm letting go. I'm letting Him have everything. (well Him and everyone else around me). This stuff is replaceable. I made a list of the things i need and the things i want.....
I need: food, a place to live, money for bills, companionship, and encounter with Him.

I want: nesting in a home of my own, job in a salon, husband, warm climate, and a puppy.

There God, thats all i got. I know You are good and will supply all my needs. Thats all i can ask for. :-)

I'm being stripped of everything in my life.... its painful, and sometimes I literally feel stripped of the skin I've created over the years, but He's here and I'm loving every second of Him.

All packed and ready to go, God.

I'm reading the most fantastic book right now. "The School of the Seers" by Jonathan Welton. Reeeeeeallllly good. I highly recommend it, right after Face to Face with God by Bill Johnson. I feel like I have so much going on, when in truth I'm incredibly bored waiting on God. ha. He has decided to send me to Marquette, though, which I'm oddly excited about. I think I'm excited about all the right reasons. I get to live in a community of people who are seeking the face of God right along with me, I get to get away from here, and I get to be with my God. Downers: SNOW, ugh. They get lots of snow up there.... my name is Summer, I like my environment to reflect that. Other than that, I'm sure I'll love it. Even my probation officer is excited about me going. ;-) I'm still dying. Constantly. I know there are still things that for some reason are very difficult for me let go of and die from, but I'm acknowledging these, so thats a start, right?

2 Corinthians 4:18
"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

I have the best sister in-law in the world. W

So much going on today. Basically God has my ball rolling way faster than I anticipated. It's amazing, over-whelming, and exciting at the same time. Still need a lot of direction. A lot. But I'm just goin to keep praying and seeking His face, and that's where His will will be revealed. Here I go.... My adventure is just starting.

Tonight was really really good. Did some SoZo-ing and got a lot of things straightened out. Pretty sure He told me to quit my job again. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm waiting on more confirmation. Thats a HUGE step to just take. But I told Him that if that is really what He is asking me to do, then i will do it. Jehovah-Jireh, My Provider.

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