My thoughts at 3am...

Father, I have let you down again.

In my weakness I have discovered numb.

I cannot feel what it is that You want me to feel.

I can’t move, I’ve bound myself too tightly.

Release me, though I know not why.

Let me have my wings again, I want to soar.

High above all of this, my surrounding.

I want to breathe clean again.

I want to feel again,

Let me know what it is that You have for me.

Teach me to feel again, Father.

I cannot do this alone.

I cannot do this, myself is crushed.

Not only am I Your prodigal,

I am weakness. I exist to displease.

You are the strength.. You are the perfection.

In our weakness, You are make strong.

In our inabilities, Your glory is risen.

Pick me back up, let me fly again.

Let me see you, face to face. 

Complete Abandon

I have to write about this past weekend. It seems only fair that since I write on here all the stuff that I'm going through, I relay what God is putting me through; very different but equally powerful things. The past 5 months have been insane, and luckily life's only getting crazier for me. Since January I have had my share of ups and downs. Downs being complete binge drinking and thoughts of suicide, while my ups have been a life completely coated in Grace and learning that His love is complete and over-flowing. It does not matter what happens or how badly i screw up, I am HIS screw up. So, I've been learning all of this. Frankly it feels like it did when you get out of elementary school and then they throw you in middle school and suddenly everything is different. What you were knew before is no longer and there is this whole new world around you. You're rediscovering things. It almost makes me giddy. (ok, not almost, i'm actually grinning while writing this). SO, in discovering this new world around me by seeing it through His love, my Father has been reiterating the same principle to me over and over again. Now that I think back, i believe i was looking for direction when i was 19 about whether or not to pursue schools in Israel, and instead of giving me a life itinerary like i wanted, He simply said: You live your life with abandon, when are you going to start living for Me with complete abandon? Ok, so at 19 i had to look up abandonment in the dictionary, because i only had one definition in my head and i was pretty sure He wasn't asking me to leave Him.

abandon (n.): complete lack of inhibition or restraint

oh. that definition. I can look back now and realize even with good ol' Webster I still didn't get it. I was so caught up in pursuing MY dreams of going to Israel and figuring out what God wanted me to do with me life (ha) that I didn't realize the one thing He really wanted from me: a life of complete and total abandon. So the last few months I have been toying with the idea of this life of surrender; dying to one's self; abandonment. Once I was out of jail I realized how much of my life was really under my control, and therefore completely out of control. I wasn't ready to give it up though. Here is how I pictured it in my head (being the visual 'seer' that i am): Grand Canyon style (though i've never been, so i'm really just making this up here) and Abba and I are on the edge and He's asking me to jump. Not jump like crazy arms flailing, but pure, strong, and confident. But i can't. There is this rope around my leg that i tied myself. It's attached to the ground about 20 ft away. Around the stake are all the people in my life; all my dreams and hopes; all my needs, wants, and desires. I know I'm tied to the ground. I know that I did it myself. For the last 5 months I have had a lot of warfare going on inside me. I have been trying to find a way to live for Him while still keeping my life safely in my arms. I've discovered it doesn't work that way. This past weekend was a swift kick in the ass from my Dad. The series was on being a follower of Christ or a fan. (Jew, its kinda like are you human or are you dancer? yeah.. you sooo don't want to be human or a fan). By session 3 the speaker was officially stepping on my toes and I was actually loving it. He was saying how the "Christian Life" isn't about a set of rules, or code of conduct. It's about constantly, minute by minute (or at least for me thats what it is) dying to yourself and choosing Christ. Everything in my life is about dying to what i want and looking at Christ and saying "ok, you pick".   After session 2 we were told to go off by ourselves for an hour or so and just ask Him what he was asking us to die to. I'll be honest, i was out on the dock, the sun was shining and i took a nap. Ha. But when i did wake up, I started asking Him to reveal the things in my life that He thought I was 'tying' myself to.
1) My job. Damnit. I like my job, or so I love the money i make at my job. I hate working at a bar and I hate being around alcohol constantly.
2) My future. I'm a planner, I love living in the future. The best quote for this is from my 'religious backbone book' The Shack: It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be.


Those were the main ones, and I'll have to say i was surprised He didn't bring up my drinking. He never does, oddly enough.hmmmm. Anyways. My job. Yes this weekend I feel like God was calling me to quit my job. Right before the summer. Right before the amazing money kicks in. WTH. So i had to cut that rope. (PS, looking for a new job now...) My future.... ok this one is harder, because my lease is up in 3 months and so obviously I've been googling places to live like crazy... all of which are out of this horrible 'i'm going to take your license and never give it back' state. So I'm constantly dying to that while i literally type in searches on craigslist. Its complicated, but i think its what He wants. The best part about all of this is that it's amazing during the day. Yup, when i'm just having to make a decision at work or wherever, I literally say "ok, i'm dying to this, You take it, and give it back the way You want it to happen." The stress-relief is over-whelming. 1000lbs just lifted off my back.  Wow, this was a longer post than usual, but i haven't really updated what's going on right now in my life. So there it is. He's teaching me complete abandon with my life, and I'm loving every minute of it.

Everytime I go to write more of my book I'm going through something new...I definitely need some focus and direction. Instead I sit down and just say " well Arianna, what do u want to do today? "

So he was completely right. I'm not in a good place right now at all. Maybe it's cause I'm drinking again. That's just depressing in and of itself. I need to stop. It's different being not really called out persay but just observed. Apparently I seemed to be in a better place before I was headed to jail than I am right now. I completely agree of course. Dying to oneself isn't easy. It's not this random choice you just make. I'm discovering it's a million choices all Over the place, throughout my day. Usually its also always a domino effect. If I make one bad choice I just continue to tell myself 'well I already did that why not this?' and so the cycle continues. Ugh. I find myself stuck in memories wishing I could go back and tell myself it's not worth it. But frankly I'm still making those bad decisions 3 years later. So would it really have mattered? What matters are the choices I'm making now. Is this a step backward or forward? Breaking out of this lifestyle is just one choice at a time. I'm willing to do it. I'm just going to hold Him to what He has promised me. Friends and a community to surround me. I need it. If I'm going to break away from this one, i can only ask that You replace it with what I need. I've lost alot of direction and I miss my book, alot. Maybe just maybe I can write again.

Kim Walker... how do you know me so well??? Your love makes it worth it all. All to You I surrender. I choose You, I choose You.

UPDATE

So this sux. Life that is. I mean, i miss jail. Which is to say that in jail there was no life. You didn't have to make decisions or be tested on anything. My proudest moment was when in a "don't shake your babies" class, i got to be the only one raising my hand saying i didn't have children. Out here my proudest moment is when I don't do that 3rd shot or drunk dial my ex, or sleep with him for that matter. I hate it out here. Pride sux. When you're so good for even, lets say hypothetically 3 weeks, or even 15 weeks, and then you crash. Why did you crash? because you f-n felt like getting trashed. You were sick of sitting there while everyone else had all the fun. And then he happened. Well since you've fallen off the wagon, why not roll around in the mud and make it a happy-fun time? Ugh... trying to climb back on the wagon, but frankly the wagon is SUPER lonely. whatever. Let's try this again, shall we? Btw, supposed to be going to AA twice a week... haven't gone yet... damnit it's cold outside and i am not walking across town just to hear other people talk about how bad it sux we don't drink anymore.

My Faults

I'm easily defensive and i take everything waaaay too personally. Yes, i know this. Please, though, could you be a bit nicer?