changed sites

Hey i no longer use this blog anymore.... i liked wordpress.com better... so my new site is there.....


http://summersabandon.wordpress.com

I am my Beloved's and He is mine.

This weekend was in a word: amazing. It has actually ben hard to explain to people what happened this weekend. There was so much being spoken; God didn't really stop talking the entire time. I love it. I can really only explain what He taught me. Some things were intimate, some were really open. I'll do my best to convey His words here.

He loves us. Yes, I'm aware you know this. It's an intelligent concept and yet the past generations of Christians have managed to completely over look it. It's why Christians today struggle so much with performance. He loves you right now, right where you are spiritually, physically, and emotionally. He doesn't need you to attain any other levels, or any other accomplishments. I don't need to understand His word more or minister to other people more. He loves me right now the same as He will in 20 years. He wants me to walk in the fullness of the ministries He has for me right now. He loves me. Maybe for some of you this is an easy idea. For some of us, though, I know it can be hard. That just sitting here, rotting in this chair, He loves me, just as much as when I'm in church worshipping Him.

Now with His love comes the truth that He sees me, through Christ, as who I am in the resurrected Kingdom. That girl who walks fully in her gifts and is so full of her Father's love that it shoots out of her like beams of light. That is how He sees me. Full and perfect, completely a  person, in the light of His Son. I know this is crazy. I know you'd love to think God is practical: He can see all my brokenness and faults, He knows who I really am. Beloved, NO. You think you know who you are, but God does not view you through your eyes (Can i get an amen??) And He's dying (or more literally died) for you to see you through His eyes.

Here, let me use a different metaphor: Ya know when you're in love, yes, right at the beginning when all you see are stars, rainbows, and sunshine? You don't see that persons imperfections or flaws, you're completely oblivious to their tendency towards road rage or even their in-the-closet addictions to ______. They are exciting, amazing, and the relationship gives you life, breath, and energy. (ahhhh this just has me giddy thinking about it) Ok, so now that I have you grinning.... That is how the Father feels about you right now. And in 2 yrs, 12 yrs, 24 yrs. The deeper your relationship gets, the more He knows, the more you reveal and give over to Him, He still loves you the same.  Even after the 3rd date when you lay all your shit on the table, when you're trying to see if you can scare Him off. He still sees the rainbows and sunshine. He's staring at you across the table, asking: "Do you wanna know what I see? What I think of you, right now in this moment?"

This weekend I answered YES. And boy did I get to see. I saw how much my Lover really does love me right now. That it is constant. It doesn't grow over time. It is what it always has been and will be.

"I'm in love with God and God's in love with me. This is who I am and this is who I'll be, and that settles it. Completely." -Misty Edwards (who, btw, is amazing leading worship live)

Churning.

I strive to seek Him. 

I'm dying to all else.

Do with me as You will. 

I demand more.

I release you from any box I've created. 

Let me not sit at the base of the mountain.

I want to see Your face. Literally. 

Reveal it to me. 

Show me the path to Your heart.

I have complete abandon. 

Prophesy over my life. 

Thank you for granting my deepest wish. 

MUSE - Undisclosed Desires HD VIDEO+LYRICS

This is my recent love off of Muse's latest album The Resistance. I think it might be their next single release also, but I'm loving the lyrics.

I know you've suffered,
But I don't want you to hide,
It's cold and loveless,
I won't let you be denied

Soothing,
I'll make you feel pure,
Trust me,
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers,
That you're wicked and divine,
You may be a sinner,
But your innocence is mine

Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Tease me,
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart,
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Trust me,
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart,
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

I'm stuffed, God. (and it's not even Thanksgiving yet)

I am full. "Of what, dear Summer?", you ask. 

  "Life and all it's unexpected intricacies."

My last post was just a bubble of all that is swirling through my brain right now. A new subtext has developed in my life. 

Header: Complete Abandon

Title for this point: Self-Perception

You're saying that I have a bad perception of myself? You must be joking. You see, I am simply fantastic. Ask anyone. Fabulous, even, in some circles. What's that You say? I don't truly see myself for what I am? I am greater than what I see? Thank God, because frankly this isn't all that fantastic as it would seem. Yes, I know, you think my hair is adorable. My clothes are always put together, and damnit my nails are always painted.  I seem to know what looks good and pleasing to the eyes, and can create it. I have a God-given talent to take a picture of what I see in my head and recreate you to fit it. Amazing. Can I tell you a secret? Can I whisper a little somethin' in your ear? I don't think I'm beautiful. I don't see a diamond when God's Presence lights in me. When everyone's compliments and adoration are covering my skin like paper mache, I can't show you that I feel like an empty cast. I wasn't even aware of my emptiness. I am been struggling with spirits of competition, intimidation, and overall annoyance with everyone around me. My need for people to like me, wait, look up to me, has started to control the way I act around people and how I perceive myself. My Father just brought this to my attention. It was taking me awhile to get it, because I really didn't think I struggled with anything starting with "self-". I am completely founded in my self-worth. Bring it on, I know that I am save, redeemed, and that I got this. Don't bring up my past... I'll throw my future in your face. So I thought I was good. Not so much. My frustrations with people being younger than me but more spiritually mature  were growing. I'm intimidated by people who know where God is sending them and know what He's doing in their lives. I hate skinny girls. That's just a snippet of my thoughts... pretty much all the time. SO...... after a really "off" week God hit me Saturday night at Immerse. 3 different people approached me with different words about my view of myself, each were different metaphors. 

1) Bride of God

          Ok, what do you think of when someone calls you a bride? Yes, I am ignoring the whole New Testament Bride of Christ image because it muddles our imaginations. Since I've recently been to 2 weddings in the last month I have fresh thoughts on how it feels to be a bride. Wearing white makes me uncomfortable (besides the fact that white is so not my color) and I definitely don't think of myself as pure (I'm a Samantha).  We're a poor, new couple and yet you're showing up at my wedding demanding I feed you. Awesome. Daddy/Daughter dances piss me off and make me cry. Then He reminded me of what I was forgetting about: the groom. I forgot that the best part of being the bride is how excited the groom is to see you and be yours. He's been working so hard to get to this point with you and now you're his..... He's thrilled to be with you. That is what God is thinking when He sees me. I'm wearing white, I'm pure, and He can't wait to show me off to the world. Say what!?!? I had no idea how to even digest that. 

2) JEWEL

          God thinks of me as a jewel. Something of value, and yet priceless. Yet again: Say what!?!?!

3) Mirror

          When you look in the mirror what do you see? Literally everything: your personality and your outward appearance. What are those things about yourself that you resent and despise? What do you wish you could change the most about yourself? How do you view your past, your history? I had no idea that I viewed myself so badly until I answered these questions. I'm disgusting, blemished, and imperfect. Then I was given this word: "In the next year God will change how you view you. He will show you all that He created in you. Those things you resent and despise, He created those in you. In a year you won't recognize you. No one will. He doesn't remember your past, you are perfect." Yeah. I'm just sitting here like.... oh ok. um... ok. Good Lord I'm so excited about that. There are things in my personality that I am not even aware of yet and He is going make them rise to the surface and show me. I am going to embrace who I am, instead of squelching my child-like nature. 

4) Baby

          I was shown a picture of how God sees me again, as a baby. Think about it, really think. When you see a baby what do you think of? Innocence, potential, and full of life. You don't think of anything they've done because there is nothing, they were just born. That quality of innocence hit me in the face. I am innocent. I am innocent. I. AM. INNOCENT. He holds me like a baby and just sees all the potential that is in me for His kingdom. I am precious and beautiful. Adorable. Excited. Babies get so excited about their parents and everything that they have to show them. That is how I feel in my Father's presence, excited. I'm giddy and slap-happy. He's so fantastically wonderful. Look all He has for us to step into. We were made for glory. We are royalty. We have destiny. We have been set free. We can change the world. (ok that was a little Jake Hamilton lyrics... but I'm listening to him right now)

So that is what God is working in me right now. Self-perception. I'm not sure how many people actually read this, but if you do: Think about how you see yourself, then stop and ask God to show you truth. Ask Him to show you HIS mirror. You might just be surprised at what you see staring back at you. It might even make you giggle a little bit. I did. 

Shalom, y'all. 

Yes, I know that my new design looks like I'm an American flag. Until i have time to change it, this is what you get.


I really have so much going on in my life, I can really only explain it as complete and total exhaustion. No complaints, of course, my life is amazing. I have just reached a point where my body has caught up with my soul, and frankly my dear, we're tired. It's exactly how Steve Boettcher (one of the fathers of our church) said, when he gave a word to me from the Lord: You have reached your resting place. You have been working so hard to get to this point, God is saying you can rest now. This is a new season for you, rest in it. Of course, I didn't get it. I'm not resting, God, I'm still running. The spiritual growth that I have accomplished in the last 8 months, well is astounding. I'm not bragging, I'm just looking at my life and calling out fact. I am an extremest. I don't like to live my life halfway. I was either completely living for myself, or  completely living for God. The transition between the two was hard work: emotionally, mentally, and physically. I loved to think of myself as a "Peter". Completely all about action, pumped up for God, and ready to do His bidding at a moments notice. Which were all great attributes to have, and eventually in my life God will call on them to be used for His glory. Right now, though, what I didn't realize is that He wasn't/isn't asking for any action. He wants me to rest.... as in sit down and stop moving. Thank you God, You didn't ask me to quit talking. (He knows I can only handle so much at one time). In my call to rest, He has been showing me that Love is the root of everything. And not just 1Corinthians 13 type of love, but learning about my love for God. Everything I do and say FOR God means nothing if it isn't a product of my LOVE for God. For the longest time I had no problem admitting I didn't love God; I can honestly say I've never professed my life for him before the last few months. I did not know Him, so I knew I couldn't possibly love Him. What is so amazing is that I'm getting to know Him, and I'm beginning to see just how much I love Him. I thought I would love Him just for all that He has done in my life. Rescuing me, forgiving me, and giving me freedom. Or just for Him loving me. It has sprouted into so much more than that! I am beginning to discover His personalities and I'm falling in love with Him. The time that I'm trying to set aside to spending with Him isn't enough. I want more. I hunger for more time with Him. I need to discover more about Him. I didn't realize before that I needed this point of resting. That yes, as Peter, I needed to be bold and zealous to break through the strongholds, and get to this point. Right now, though, He's calling me to be John. He's calling me into a relationship of love, where I can lay on His chest and ask Him questions.

I have had a few words spoken over me in the last few weeks, and quite a few spoken in my life. I've been very blessed with that. Recently (as in yesterday) I was reading the book "School of Seers" by Jonathon Welton, and right in the middle of a page (which btw had nothing to do with this) God spoke to me. But let me explain first:

Everyone around me, especially in my tight-knit group, are dying of thirst and hungry for God. We demand more of Him everyday and want to know desperately what He is calling us to do in His kingdom. Quite a few of them have a calling of Evangelism on them, and are directly excited about this coming fall and the start of the new semester. Students will be pouring in, and there will be an outpouring of ministry opportunities available. As much as I know that I am called to be here, even in this house which is a central location for the above said ministry, I have no calling on my heart for Evangelism. It's just not there. Nor do I feel the need for God to place it in me. I have a calling of leadership and discipleship on my life. THAT I feel quite strongly about. So I have been praying and seeking, trying to see where God is placing me (and dealing with all sorts of fun issues with God, like 'submission' and 'humbleness'). Then randomly, I get this vision while reading my book and God says: " to fight battles for those who cannot fight them for themselves, this is your calling. be a warrior for the broken". Yeah that's right, I'm a warrior. (sorry i just HAD to get that out). The Peter in me started jumping up and down. THEN I listened to the podcast from last semester's SLM (the school of ministry that I'm up here to go to) and it was about the transformation that Peter had to go through to be the Rock of the church, and how John got it all along. Love, It has to all be rooted in LOVE. He is not calling me to action right now. I am building my love for Him, desiring Him, and walking with Him. I get restless, now and again, but it is so fantastic just basking in His presence, that I can't ask for anything else except MORE.


Ok, so that was a lot, but I haven't posted in awhile, and really that's only a fraction of what is going on right now. He just keeps blessing me, the more I seek His heart. The closer to Him I get, the more my life just keeps falling into place.

Just Do It

So I'm loving work so far. It's amazing, the girls are amazing, and I just love being able to do what I do!
The best part is getting to connect with people that are in my chair. I'm having intense conversations and they're fantastic!!! Today in particular was really great. Just hearing people's life stories: where they come from, who they are now, and how God is working in them and developing their story. I love all of it. So many Godly women here, who have "been there and done that" and it's great to glean from that.

Direct quote: "Summer i think you know what to do, you're just being stubborn."

Love it.
So i'm actually thinking about quitting.... hmmm. I'm just so stubborn.

I'm HOME!!!!

My picture that i have as my background couldn't fit my life better right now. I have reached a place of resting. Let me explain:

So we all know I've up and moved to Marquette, MI. I suppose I assumed I would be feeling scared, nervous, and completely out of place. It couldn't be more the opposite. God has moved me and given me a home. I feel completely at peace here. Everyone is the amazing, the community is great, and I'm moving into a house with 2 other great girls. Life is amazing right now. Saturday night was my first night at the church. I haven't been to church very often since I lost my license, so I assumed this would be refreshing at least. Refreshing? God dumped a complete waterfall on me and it just kept coming. I couldn't stop begging for more, when really I was barely handling what He was dishing out. I kept seeing a picture in my mind of a chalice and He kept pouring oil in it until it was overflowing, but the oil didn't stop coming. He kept telling me that I was home. I could rest and be at peace in Him, because I was home. It was amazing to say the least. Then Melinda came up to me and said that they as a body were so encouraged that I was there because they knew something big was happening here at this church. She said she saw a puzzle, and that I was a piece that was missing and was exactly what was needed to fit into what was happening there. That was so encouraging and exciting. Today during church was again, a complete refilling. I was actually feeling down on myself because I thought was focusing too much on my relationship with God and not enough on others. I started to pray and I couldn't help but keep being stirred to ask for more of His presence on me. I couldn't help it!!! Once you get a taste... sigh. I started laughing and crying all at the same time. It's beautiful. All that He has brought me through, and will continue to work in my life towards. It was all worth it. I'm continuing to ask Him to strip me of everything in my life. Before it was actually kind of a scary prayer to pray. I knew what I was saying, but I was still intimidated by the words. Now, having encountered my Creator and just a piece of what He has in store for me, I pray it gladly. The more He takes, the better and happy my life it. So take it all!!! And what You continue to bless me with, take it back! I can honestly say I have never been this happy or content in my life. And I'm giving Him all the praise for it!!!!! Another man at the church came up to me while I was praying and said that God has brought me into my own season, my own Summer. This is a time a resting and growing in Him. He say a tree, in full bloom. This is my season to rest, I've been pushing through and striving for Him, and He has brought me here. My own Israel. I literally can't get any happier than this!!!!!


Must finish moving into the new house... everything is just laying on the floor since I don't really have any furniture. But i would like to get my bed set up and everything before nightfall. Final interview on the Salon Salon job on Tuesday. Lord willing, I'll be working there soon!!! He just keeps providing and providing. My Jehovah Jireh. :-)

Now what?

Well I'm here. Mostly all moved in... the living arrangements haven't been decided permanently so for now I'm staying in the living room. lol. The people up here are amazing. Seriously. Just open and fun. I'm really excited to start living here. It's funny, people keep asking me: so why did you move to Marquette? In Grand Rapids I would answer something along the lines of "well i need to get away from everything, and i have to stay in-state..." but when people up here ask me why i'm super honest "God told me to. If He lets you know why I'm here, please share with me, cuz i haven't a clue." I haven't decided which is my answer when i get in job interviews, lol. I feel almost sheltered, but its relaxing. In Grand Rapids i was constantly high-strung trying to balance how much of my spiritual life i talked about and how much i kept to myself. Here, everyone just talks about it out loud. Its so natural. It's completely relaxing. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where God wants me. And apparently, according to my aunt, God has a job already lined up for me. But here i am, sitting in bed, completely ready to go, and i'm scared out of my mind to get up and go find the job. Seriously? Grow a pair, Summer. But alas, I'm completely spineless right now. Sure, i can move 500 miles from home and not know a single soul... that easy. Finding a job, not so much. Oy veh.

I was freaked out last night. I'm sitting here, wishing all my old friends wanted to hang out with me, but they don't. Which tells me all I need to know about Grand Rapids. I'm so ready to leave. Anything that's waiting for me is better than this.

I hate to admit it, but the last time i was this scared my mom had just dropped me off at Kindergarten and i didn't know anyone.

Let Go and Let God

good lord that sounds so cheezy, but right now its soooo true. All my life i've had a very hard time with possessiveness. My things are my things. You may look but don't touch. I would freak out if someone borrowed anything of mine and I can't stand people even using my kitchen appliances. I've just always been this way. The 5 main things in my life that are MINE: my very expensive fantastic bed, my iphone, my macbook, my car, and my clothes. Typical things to value, i suppose. My problem was i didn't just value, i possessed these things. No one was allowed to touch them, borrow them, or even use them in front of me. These are mine, don't touch them. My 'problem' started when i decided to start praying for God to strip me of everything in my life until i had nothing else to hang onto except Him. (PS i wouldn't even recommend praying this unless you're ready to have your life turned upside down). Just to recap to date, as of today: I've lost my car/license, my iphone has been lost/broken 3xs now (God willing, He lets me continue to have it right now), my Macbook was broken for forever and by His grace its in decent working order right now, but i'm humbly thankful it even runs (i dumped an entire beer allllll over it), i'm leaving my bed in GR while i head to Marquette b/c i have no way to get it up there, but they have a bed for me to use (my sister will be borrowing it while i'm gone *breathe*), and i've officially cut my clothing ownership in HALF giving to my sisters and cousins what i'm not taking with me. I don't think i've thrown quite the temper tantrum to God like what i did today. I couldn't let go of all these things that mean so much to me. But when i took a step back, (and quit stomping my foot) and really asked Him: "why? Why am i acting like this? Why is this so hard for me to let go of?" He said this:

You are defining who you are by what you have around you. You are NOT what you wear. Your status to people around you isn't raised b/c you have an iphone in your hand or because you type on a macbook. You aren't defined by your independence (ability to drive around and take care of myself). You view your bed as that one piece of furniture that is "home" to you. If you have that, you feel like you're home. That isn't a part of you. Quit defining yourself by what is around you, and start letting people see what is inside. Let that outshine everything else.

It's still hard, but He is soooo right (duh). I'm letting go. I'm letting Him have everything. (well Him and everyone else around me). This stuff is replaceable. I made a list of the things i need and the things i want.....
I need: food, a place to live, money for bills, companionship, and encounter with Him.

I want: nesting in a home of my own, job in a salon, husband, warm climate, and a puppy.

There God, thats all i got. I know You are good and will supply all my needs. Thats all i can ask for. :-)

I'm being stripped of everything in my life.... its painful, and sometimes I literally feel stripped of the skin I've created over the years, but He's here and I'm loving every second of Him.

All packed and ready to go, God.

I'm reading the most fantastic book right now. "The School of the Seers" by Jonathan Welton. Reeeeeeallllly good. I highly recommend it, right after Face to Face with God by Bill Johnson. I feel like I have so much going on, when in truth I'm incredibly bored waiting on God. ha. He has decided to send me to Marquette, though, which I'm oddly excited about. I think I'm excited about all the right reasons. I get to live in a community of people who are seeking the face of God right along with me, I get to get away from here, and I get to be with my God. Downers: SNOW, ugh. They get lots of snow up there.... my name is Summer, I like my environment to reflect that. Other than that, I'm sure I'll love it. Even my probation officer is excited about me going. ;-) I'm still dying. Constantly. I know there are still things that for some reason are very difficult for me let go of and die from, but I'm acknowledging these, so thats a start, right?

2 Corinthians 4:18
"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

I have the best sister in-law in the world. W

So much going on today. Basically God has my ball rolling way faster than I anticipated. It's amazing, over-whelming, and exciting at the same time. Still need a lot of direction. A lot. But I'm just goin to keep praying and seeking His face, and that's where His will will be revealed. Here I go.... My adventure is just starting.

Tonight was really really good. Did some SoZo-ing and got a lot of things straightened out. Pretty sure He told me to quit my job again. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm waiting on more confirmation. Thats a HUGE step to just take. But I told Him that if that is really what He is asking me to do, then i will do it. Jehovah-Jireh, My Provider.

To provide a collaborative place that supports indepenent, personal and cultural expression.

Strange by Tokio Hotel

A freak of nature
Stuck in reality
I don’t fit the picture
I'm not what you want me to be
Sorry

Under the radar
Out of the system
Caught in the spotlight
That's my existence
You want me to change

But all I feel is…
Strange, strange
In your perfect world
So strange, strange
I feel so absurd in this life
Don't come closer
In my arms,
Forever you'll be strange, strange

You want to fix me, push me
Into your fantasy
You try to give me, sell me
A new personality

You try to lift me
I don't get better
What’s making you happy
Is making me sadder
In your golden cage

All I feel is strange, strange
In your perfect world
So strange strange
I feel so absurd in this life
Don't come closer
In my arms
Forever you'll be strange, strange
Like me

(Strange) When you touch me
(Strange) When you kill me
(Strange) All I feel is strange
In my dreams together,
We'll be…

Strange, strange
In your perfect world strange
Strange! (I am so strange),
Strange! (I am so strange)
Strange, strange
In your perfect world
So strange, strange
I feel so absurd in this life
Don't come closer
You'll die slowly
In my arms,
Forever you'll be strange, strange
Like me… 

damnit this is me.

obviously i'm posting its 3am. Ugh..... So i have this habit. It's annoying. Until recently  it was brought to my attention as a good thing, but despite what people say, i still find it as a fault. I am ridiculously raw and open to everyone. I can't hide my feelings and I can't hide what is in my past. I am constantly who I am in that moment and who i was before that moment. It sux if it makes you uncomfortable that i am what i am, but i seriously cannot help it. What sux for me is that people are turned off by it. It's like some magical switch gets turned off, and the people around me are turned off. i lose alot of friends over how real i am. its frustrating and i never know how to fix it. I think people would prefer if i kept things to myself. If i didn't tell them how life is led. But how horrible would that be? How pointless my mistakes become, in their judgmental, naive eyes. sigh. there is not much i can do about it. Its not that i refuse to change. i literally cannot. It is me. I am what i am. There is not changing what i've done or what i am doing right now. I'd apologize but then that is not what i'm feeling at all right now, so i can't.

Book Theme

Everytime someone asks me what I'm passionate about I always tell them my book that I'm writing. The next question is always "oh, what is it about?"..... that is the hardest question to answer. Do you want me to give you an outline or clips of dialogue? Then I sat down and really tried to get feelings for what my book was truly about. This is what came out of me. It's perfect; it is the essence of my book. 

You discover who you are,

It is hidden deep within the folds of your soul.

All you need to complete in the inner being.

Continuing upwards, steep climb that it is.

Don’t lose that part of you, swing from it.

Let it carry you

Let it make you fly.

They’re going to come; they’re going to leave.

The scales fall, dead all around you.

Their nails are full of your skin,

It has all been pulled and torn.

Keep running, keep going.

You will feel like just a piece, incomplete.

Your light is still growing,

The season is blooming.

When you reach the top, you will see.

Your light was within yourself,

You had it all along.

You will feel whole; you will stand on your own.

Above their grasps, towering over their needs.

Lift your hands; let it burst forth from your bosom.

You’ve discovered who you are. 

It's a choice.

My thoughts at 3am...

Father, I have let you down again.

In my weakness I have discovered numb.

I cannot feel what it is that You want me to feel.

I can’t move, I’ve bound myself too tightly.

Release me, though I know not why.

Let me have my wings again, I want to soar.

High above all of this, my surrounding.

I want to breathe clean again.

I want to feel again,

Let me know what it is that You have for me.

Teach me to feel again, Father.

I cannot do this alone.

I cannot do this, myself is crushed.

Not only am I Your prodigal,

I am weakness. I exist to displease.

You are the strength.. You are the perfection.

In our weakness, You are make strong.

In our inabilities, Your glory is risen.

Pick me back up, let me fly again.

Let me see you, face to face. 

Complete Abandon

I have to write about this past weekend. It seems only fair that since I write on here all the stuff that I'm going through, I relay what God is putting me through; very different but equally powerful things. The past 5 months have been insane, and luckily life's only getting crazier for me. Since January I have had my share of ups and downs. Downs being complete binge drinking and thoughts of suicide, while my ups have been a life completely coated in Grace and learning that His love is complete and over-flowing. It does not matter what happens or how badly i screw up, I am HIS screw up. So, I've been learning all of this. Frankly it feels like it did when you get out of elementary school and then they throw you in middle school and suddenly everything is different. What you were knew before is no longer and there is this whole new world around you. You're rediscovering things. It almost makes me giddy. (ok, not almost, i'm actually grinning while writing this). SO, in discovering this new world around me by seeing it through His love, my Father has been reiterating the same principle to me over and over again. Now that I think back, i believe i was looking for direction when i was 19 about whether or not to pursue schools in Israel, and instead of giving me a life itinerary like i wanted, He simply said: You live your life with abandon, when are you going to start living for Me with complete abandon? Ok, so at 19 i had to look up abandonment in the dictionary, because i only had one definition in my head and i was pretty sure He wasn't asking me to leave Him.

abandon (n.): complete lack of inhibition or restraint

oh. that definition. I can look back now and realize even with good ol' Webster I still didn't get it. I was so caught up in pursuing MY dreams of going to Israel and figuring out what God wanted me to do with me life (ha) that I didn't realize the one thing He really wanted from me: a life of complete and total abandon. So the last few months I have been toying with the idea of this life of surrender; dying to one's self; abandonment. Once I was out of jail I realized how much of my life was really under my control, and therefore completely out of control. I wasn't ready to give it up though. Here is how I pictured it in my head (being the visual 'seer' that i am): Grand Canyon style (though i've never been, so i'm really just making this up here) and Abba and I are on the edge and He's asking me to jump. Not jump like crazy arms flailing, but pure, strong, and confident. But i can't. There is this rope around my leg that i tied myself. It's attached to the ground about 20 ft away. Around the stake are all the people in my life; all my dreams and hopes; all my needs, wants, and desires. I know I'm tied to the ground. I know that I did it myself. For the last 5 months I have had a lot of warfare going on inside me. I have been trying to find a way to live for Him while still keeping my life safely in my arms. I've discovered it doesn't work that way. This past weekend was a swift kick in the ass from my Dad. The series was on being a follower of Christ or a fan. (Jew, its kinda like are you human or are you dancer? yeah.. you sooo don't want to be human or a fan). By session 3 the speaker was officially stepping on my toes and I was actually loving it. He was saying how the "Christian Life" isn't about a set of rules, or code of conduct. It's about constantly, minute by minute (or at least for me thats what it is) dying to yourself and choosing Christ. Everything in my life is about dying to what i want and looking at Christ and saying "ok, you pick".   After session 2 we were told to go off by ourselves for an hour or so and just ask Him what he was asking us to die to. I'll be honest, i was out on the dock, the sun was shining and i took a nap. Ha. But when i did wake up, I started asking Him to reveal the things in my life that He thought I was 'tying' myself to.
1) My job. Damnit. I like my job, or so I love the money i make at my job. I hate working at a bar and I hate being around alcohol constantly.
2) My future. I'm a planner, I love living in the future. The best quote for this is from my 'religious backbone book' The Shack: It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be.


Those were the main ones, and I'll have to say i was surprised He didn't bring up my drinking. He never does, oddly enough.hmmmm. Anyways. My job. Yes this weekend I feel like God was calling me to quit my job. Right before the summer. Right before the amazing money kicks in. WTH. So i had to cut that rope. (PS, looking for a new job now...) My future.... ok this one is harder, because my lease is up in 3 months and so obviously I've been googling places to live like crazy... all of which are out of this horrible 'i'm going to take your license and never give it back' state. So I'm constantly dying to that while i literally type in searches on craigslist. Its complicated, but i think its what He wants. The best part about all of this is that it's amazing during the day. Yup, when i'm just having to make a decision at work or wherever, I literally say "ok, i'm dying to this, You take it, and give it back the way You want it to happen." The stress-relief is over-whelming. 1000lbs just lifted off my back.  Wow, this was a longer post than usual, but i haven't really updated what's going on right now in my life. So there it is. He's teaching me complete abandon with my life, and I'm loving every minute of it.

Everytime I go to write more of my book I'm going through something new...I definitely need some focus and direction. Instead I sit down and just say " well Arianna, what do u want to do today? "

So he was completely right. I'm not in a good place right now at all. Maybe it's cause I'm drinking again. That's just depressing in and of itself. I need to stop. It's different being not really called out persay but just observed. Apparently I seemed to be in a better place before I was headed to jail than I am right now. I completely agree of course. Dying to oneself isn't easy. It's not this random choice you just make. I'm discovering it's a million choices all Over the place, throughout my day. Usually its also always a domino effect. If I make one bad choice I just continue to tell myself 'well I already did that why not this?' and so the cycle continues. Ugh. I find myself stuck in memories wishing I could go back and tell myself it's not worth it. But frankly I'm still making those bad decisions 3 years later. So would it really have mattered? What matters are the choices I'm making now. Is this a step backward or forward? Breaking out of this lifestyle is just one choice at a time. I'm willing to do it. I'm just going to hold Him to what He has promised me. Friends and a community to surround me. I need it. If I'm going to break away from this one, i can only ask that You replace it with what I need. I've lost alot of direction and I miss my book, alot. Maybe just maybe I can write again.

Kim Walker... how do you know me so well??? Your love makes it worth it all. All to You I surrender. I choose You, I choose You.

UPDATE

So this sux. Life that is. I mean, i miss jail. Which is to say that in jail there was no life. You didn't have to make decisions or be tested on anything. My proudest moment was when in a "don't shake your babies" class, i got to be the only one raising my hand saying i didn't have children. Out here my proudest moment is when I don't do that 3rd shot or drunk dial my ex, or sleep with him for that matter. I hate it out here. Pride sux. When you're so good for even, lets say hypothetically 3 weeks, or even 15 weeks, and then you crash. Why did you crash? because you f-n felt like getting trashed. You were sick of sitting there while everyone else had all the fun. And then he happened. Well since you've fallen off the wagon, why not roll around in the mud and make it a happy-fun time? Ugh... trying to climb back on the wagon, but frankly the wagon is SUPER lonely. whatever. Let's try this again, shall we? Btw, supposed to be going to AA twice a week... haven't gone yet... damnit it's cold outside and i am not walking across town just to hear other people talk about how bad it sux we don't drink anymore.

My Faults

I'm easily defensive and i take everything waaaay too personally. Yes, i know this. Please, though, could you be a bit nicer?

I'm seriously disappointed in myself. Everytime I think I'm making progress, I regress. It's so frustrating!! I don't like doing what I do. God only knows why I do it. Why do I always find myself in this spot where I'm missing how I 'used' to feel or be? It's exhausting. I'm so glad Becky is here tuis weekend. It's relaxing to not be performing for once. I wish it was a switch I could just turn off and I'd never have to act a certain way ever again but it's not. This is going to be a long road. A very long road. Please stick with me on it. I know you're probably sick and tired of my slippery sloping ways, but I'm trying. Really trying.

Who the hell am I?

So God and I were talking today and the main topic of conversation was the fact that I'm addicted to being a chameleon. I completely agree, it just would seem that now that i know I've just been being whoever i'm around, who the hell am I? So I've always liked rock music...right? Of course, I distinctly remember being in highschool and loving all my guys friends. I wanted them to think i was the "cool girl", just one of the guys. (yes, i wanted to be one of the guys) So of course i loved the music they loved, watched the sports they watched, and acted like them. As i got older, the trends of others needs got more serious and my desire to have them love me got more serious. I became a very sexual person, not because i actually thought about sex a whole lot, but because it was funny and guys found it, well, sexy. Most girls don't like to do that? Oh, well, I do. I lost my innocence in nature and actions. I hated to be naive or inexperienced. If I hadn't done it, i quickly figured out how. I can't remember the last time I was doing something for me. My book; that is definitely something from deep within me. Sadly, it's lost direction, but so have I. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing, how could I possibly write any differently? I understand He has awakened myself within me, but now what? Just who is that person? The old me is so familiar and easy, how do I not fall back into that person? Especially when everyone is expecting that person. I am expected to drink the more than you, ravage you in bed, like everything you like, and never finish anything i start. Let me just clue you in for a second, dear people of my life:

I don't like drinking. It makes me say and do things that I truly do not like to say or do. Those aren't my true feelings coming to the surface, that's all my demons being let out to play for however long the buzz lasts. It is not fun for me. I don't like having sex with you. You do not make me feel loved, and frankly the entire time all I'm thinking about is how much I can make you like it and want it, so I don't even end up feeling anything. Yes, thats right, it was a fake, sorry. I like sports, that much is true. Do i want to sit and talk about the players and how amazing each one is? No. Sports are fun to watch, and i love to go to games, but I am not a "sports girl". I'm just amazingly good at faking it. No, I'm not a huge fan of the Cowboys. You were a big fan of the Cowboys, and it just stuck. I only know one of the players and even then i have no idea if they won a game this season. As far as not finishing anything i start goes, that is going to change. It's a part of me that i let go because everyone in my life was ok with it. I'm not ok with it anymore, i never have been. So that is done.

That just covers some of the lies i've been living. I'm still going to struggle with not doing everything in my power to make you love me. I want people to love me, all the time, but I'm done with that. If you don't love me, thats ok. I'll probably still love you, but i love everyone :-) I can't help it. When you're talking about her, and how pathetic she is, all i can think about is how insecure she is and how she probably just needs someone to tell her she's beautiful and has worth in the world. When you mock me and tell me i'm worthless, i know that you're scared and i have nothing to do with it. There is so much that you think i am, that i truly feel so gray. I'm not going to blend anymore, though. This has been the black and white of it, and there is so much more to come.

I'm going to spend some time figuring how who i really am. Everything from my music to my words to the stupid purple streak in my hair. I'm really excited to see who comes out of the gray.


Summer-D