changed sites

Hey i no longer use this blog anymore.... i liked wordpress.com better... so my new site is there.....


http://summersabandon.wordpress.com

I am my Beloved's and He is mine.

This weekend was in a word: amazing. It has actually ben hard to explain to people what happened this weekend. There was so much being spoken; God didn't really stop talking the entire time. I love it. I can really only explain what He taught me. Some things were intimate, some were really open. I'll do my best to convey His words here.

He loves us. Yes, I'm aware you know this. It's an intelligent concept and yet the past generations of Christians have managed to completely over look it. It's why Christians today struggle so much with performance. He loves you right now, right where you are spiritually, physically, and emotionally. He doesn't need you to attain any other levels, or any other accomplishments. I don't need to understand His word more or minister to other people more. He loves me right now the same as He will in 20 years. He wants me to walk in the fullness of the ministries He has for me right now. He loves me. Maybe for some of you this is an easy idea. For some of us, though, I know it can be hard. That just sitting here, rotting in this chair, He loves me, just as much as when I'm in church worshipping Him.

Now with His love comes the truth that He sees me, through Christ, as who I am in the resurrected Kingdom. That girl who walks fully in her gifts and is so full of her Father's love that it shoots out of her like beams of light. That is how He sees me. Full and perfect, completely a  person, in the light of His Son. I know this is crazy. I know you'd love to think God is practical: He can see all my brokenness and faults, He knows who I really am. Beloved, NO. You think you know who you are, but God does not view you through your eyes (Can i get an amen??) And He's dying (or more literally died) for you to see you through His eyes.

Here, let me use a different metaphor: Ya know when you're in love, yes, right at the beginning when all you see are stars, rainbows, and sunshine? You don't see that persons imperfections or flaws, you're completely oblivious to their tendency towards road rage or even their in-the-closet addictions to ______. They are exciting, amazing, and the relationship gives you life, breath, and energy. (ahhhh this just has me giddy thinking about it) Ok, so now that I have you grinning.... That is how the Father feels about you right now. And in 2 yrs, 12 yrs, 24 yrs. The deeper your relationship gets, the more He knows, the more you reveal and give over to Him, He still loves you the same.  Even after the 3rd date when you lay all your shit on the table, when you're trying to see if you can scare Him off. He still sees the rainbows and sunshine. He's staring at you across the table, asking: "Do you wanna know what I see? What I think of you, right now in this moment?"

This weekend I answered YES. And boy did I get to see. I saw how much my Lover really does love me right now. That it is constant. It doesn't grow over time. It is what it always has been and will be.

"I'm in love with God and God's in love with me. This is who I am and this is who I'll be, and that settles it. Completely." -Misty Edwards (who, btw, is amazing leading worship live)

Churning.

I strive to seek Him. 

I'm dying to all else.

Do with me as You will. 

I demand more.

I release you from any box I've created. 

Let me not sit at the base of the mountain.

I want to see Your face. Literally. 

Reveal it to me. 

Show me the path to Your heart.

I have complete abandon. 

Prophesy over my life. 

Thank you for granting my deepest wish. 

MUSE - Undisclosed Desires HD VIDEO+LYRICS

This is my recent love off of Muse's latest album The Resistance. I think it might be their next single release also, but I'm loving the lyrics.

I know you've suffered,
But I don't want you to hide,
It's cold and loveless,
I won't let you be denied

Soothing,
I'll make you feel pure,
Trust me,
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers,
That you're wicked and divine,
You may be a sinner,
But your innocence is mine

Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Tease me,
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart,
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Trust me,
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart,
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

I'm stuffed, God. (and it's not even Thanksgiving yet)

I am full. "Of what, dear Summer?", you ask. 

  "Life and all it's unexpected intricacies."

My last post was just a bubble of all that is swirling through my brain right now. A new subtext has developed in my life. 

Header: Complete Abandon

Title for this point: Self-Perception

You're saying that I have a bad perception of myself? You must be joking. You see, I am simply fantastic. Ask anyone. Fabulous, even, in some circles. What's that You say? I don't truly see myself for what I am? I am greater than what I see? Thank God, because frankly this isn't all that fantastic as it would seem. Yes, I know, you think my hair is adorable. My clothes are always put together, and damnit my nails are always painted.  I seem to know what looks good and pleasing to the eyes, and can create it. I have a God-given talent to take a picture of what I see in my head and recreate you to fit it. Amazing. Can I tell you a secret? Can I whisper a little somethin' in your ear? I don't think I'm beautiful. I don't see a diamond when God's Presence lights in me. When everyone's compliments and adoration are covering my skin like paper mache, I can't show you that I feel like an empty cast. I wasn't even aware of my emptiness. I am been struggling with spirits of competition, intimidation, and overall annoyance with everyone around me. My need for people to like me, wait, look up to me, has started to control the way I act around people and how I perceive myself. My Father just brought this to my attention. It was taking me awhile to get it, because I really didn't think I struggled with anything starting with "self-". I am completely founded in my self-worth. Bring it on, I know that I am save, redeemed, and that I got this. Don't bring up my past... I'll throw my future in your face. So I thought I was good. Not so much. My frustrations with people being younger than me but more spiritually mature  were growing. I'm intimidated by people who know where God is sending them and know what He's doing in their lives. I hate skinny girls. That's just a snippet of my thoughts... pretty much all the time. SO...... after a really "off" week God hit me Saturday night at Immerse. 3 different people approached me with different words about my view of myself, each were different metaphors. 

1) Bride of God

          Ok, what do you think of when someone calls you a bride? Yes, I am ignoring the whole New Testament Bride of Christ image because it muddles our imaginations. Since I've recently been to 2 weddings in the last month I have fresh thoughts on how it feels to be a bride. Wearing white makes me uncomfortable (besides the fact that white is so not my color) and I definitely don't think of myself as pure (I'm a Samantha).  We're a poor, new couple and yet you're showing up at my wedding demanding I feed you. Awesome. Daddy/Daughter dances piss me off and make me cry. Then He reminded me of what I was forgetting about: the groom. I forgot that the best part of being the bride is how excited the groom is to see you and be yours. He's been working so hard to get to this point with you and now you're his..... He's thrilled to be with you. That is what God is thinking when He sees me. I'm wearing white, I'm pure, and He can't wait to show me off to the world. Say what!?!? I had no idea how to even digest that. 

2) JEWEL

          God thinks of me as a jewel. Something of value, and yet priceless. Yet again: Say what!?!?!

3) Mirror

          When you look in the mirror what do you see? Literally everything: your personality and your outward appearance. What are those things about yourself that you resent and despise? What do you wish you could change the most about yourself? How do you view your past, your history? I had no idea that I viewed myself so badly until I answered these questions. I'm disgusting, blemished, and imperfect. Then I was given this word: "In the next year God will change how you view you. He will show you all that He created in you. Those things you resent and despise, He created those in you. In a year you won't recognize you. No one will. He doesn't remember your past, you are perfect." Yeah. I'm just sitting here like.... oh ok. um... ok. Good Lord I'm so excited about that. There are things in my personality that I am not even aware of yet and He is going make them rise to the surface and show me. I am going to embrace who I am, instead of squelching my child-like nature. 

4) Baby

          I was shown a picture of how God sees me again, as a baby. Think about it, really think. When you see a baby what do you think of? Innocence, potential, and full of life. You don't think of anything they've done because there is nothing, they were just born. That quality of innocence hit me in the face. I am innocent. I am innocent. I. AM. INNOCENT. He holds me like a baby and just sees all the potential that is in me for His kingdom. I am precious and beautiful. Adorable. Excited. Babies get so excited about their parents and everything that they have to show them. That is how I feel in my Father's presence, excited. I'm giddy and slap-happy. He's so fantastically wonderful. Look all He has for us to step into. We were made for glory. We are royalty. We have destiny. We have been set free. We can change the world. (ok that was a little Jake Hamilton lyrics... but I'm listening to him right now)

So that is what God is working in me right now. Self-perception. I'm not sure how many people actually read this, but if you do: Think about how you see yourself, then stop and ask God to show you truth. Ask Him to show you HIS mirror. You might just be surprised at what you see staring back at you. It might even make you giggle a little bit. I did. 

Shalom, y'all. 

Yes, I know that my new design looks like I'm an American flag. Until i have time to change it, this is what you get.


I really have so much going on in my life, I can really only explain it as complete and total exhaustion. No complaints, of course, my life is amazing. I have just reached a point where my body has caught up with my soul, and frankly my dear, we're tired. It's exactly how Steve Boettcher (one of the fathers of our church) said, when he gave a word to me from the Lord: You have reached your resting place. You have been working so hard to get to this point, God is saying you can rest now. This is a new season for you, rest in it. Of course, I didn't get it. I'm not resting, God, I'm still running. The spiritual growth that I have accomplished in the last 8 months, well is astounding. I'm not bragging, I'm just looking at my life and calling out fact. I am an extremest. I don't like to live my life halfway. I was either completely living for myself, or  completely living for God. The transition between the two was hard work: emotionally, mentally, and physically. I loved to think of myself as a "Peter". Completely all about action, pumped up for God, and ready to do His bidding at a moments notice. Which were all great attributes to have, and eventually in my life God will call on them to be used for His glory. Right now, though, what I didn't realize is that He wasn't/isn't asking for any action. He wants me to rest.... as in sit down and stop moving. Thank you God, You didn't ask me to quit talking. (He knows I can only handle so much at one time). In my call to rest, He has been showing me that Love is the root of everything. And not just 1Corinthians 13 type of love, but learning about my love for God. Everything I do and say FOR God means nothing if it isn't a product of my LOVE for God. For the longest time I had no problem admitting I didn't love God; I can honestly say I've never professed my life for him before the last few months. I did not know Him, so I knew I couldn't possibly love Him. What is so amazing is that I'm getting to know Him, and I'm beginning to see just how much I love Him. I thought I would love Him just for all that He has done in my life. Rescuing me, forgiving me, and giving me freedom. Or just for Him loving me. It has sprouted into so much more than that! I am beginning to discover His personalities and I'm falling in love with Him. The time that I'm trying to set aside to spending with Him isn't enough. I want more. I hunger for more time with Him. I need to discover more about Him. I didn't realize before that I needed this point of resting. That yes, as Peter, I needed to be bold and zealous to break through the strongholds, and get to this point. Right now, though, He's calling me to be John. He's calling me into a relationship of love, where I can lay on His chest and ask Him questions.

I have had a few words spoken over me in the last few weeks, and quite a few spoken in my life. I've been very blessed with that. Recently (as in yesterday) I was reading the book "School of Seers" by Jonathon Welton, and right in the middle of a page (which btw had nothing to do with this) God spoke to me. But let me explain first:

Everyone around me, especially in my tight-knit group, are dying of thirst and hungry for God. We demand more of Him everyday and want to know desperately what He is calling us to do in His kingdom. Quite a few of them have a calling of Evangelism on them, and are directly excited about this coming fall and the start of the new semester. Students will be pouring in, and there will be an outpouring of ministry opportunities available. As much as I know that I am called to be here, even in this house which is a central location for the above said ministry, I have no calling on my heart for Evangelism. It's just not there. Nor do I feel the need for God to place it in me. I have a calling of leadership and discipleship on my life. THAT I feel quite strongly about. So I have been praying and seeking, trying to see where God is placing me (and dealing with all sorts of fun issues with God, like 'submission' and 'humbleness'). Then randomly, I get this vision while reading my book and God says: " to fight battles for those who cannot fight them for themselves, this is your calling. be a warrior for the broken". Yeah that's right, I'm a warrior. (sorry i just HAD to get that out). The Peter in me started jumping up and down. THEN I listened to the podcast from last semester's SLM (the school of ministry that I'm up here to go to) and it was about the transformation that Peter had to go through to be the Rock of the church, and how John got it all along. Love, It has to all be rooted in LOVE. He is not calling me to action right now. I am building my love for Him, desiring Him, and walking with Him. I get restless, now and again, but it is so fantastic just basking in His presence, that I can't ask for anything else except MORE.


Ok, so that was a lot, but I haven't posted in awhile, and really that's only a fraction of what is going on right now. He just keeps blessing me, the more I seek His heart. The closer to Him I get, the more my life just keeps falling into place.

Just Do It

So I'm loving work so far. It's amazing, the girls are amazing, and I just love being able to do what I do!
The best part is getting to connect with people that are in my chair. I'm having intense conversations and they're fantastic!!! Today in particular was really great. Just hearing people's life stories: where they come from, who they are now, and how God is working in them and developing their story. I love all of it. So many Godly women here, who have "been there and done that" and it's great to glean from that.

Direct quote: "Summer i think you know what to do, you're just being stubborn."

Love it.
So i'm actually thinking about quitting.... hmmm. I'm just so stubborn.