Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Strange by Tokio Hotel

A freak of nature
Stuck in reality
I don’t fit the picture
I'm not what you want me to be

Under the radar
Out of the system
Caught in the spotlight
That's my existence
You want me to change

But all I feel is…
Strange, strange
In your perfect world
So strange, strange
I feel so absurd in this life
Don't come closer
In my arms,
Forever you'll be strange, strange

You want to fix me, push me
Into your fantasy
You try to give me, sell me
A new personality

You try to lift me
I don't get better
What’s making you happy
Is making me sadder
In your golden cage

All I feel is strange, strange
In your perfect world
So strange strange
I feel so absurd in this life
Don't come closer
In my arms
Forever you'll be strange, strange
Like me

(Strange) When you touch me
(Strange) When you kill me
(Strange) All I feel is strange
In my dreams together,
We'll be…

Strange, strange
In your perfect world strange
Strange! (I am so strange),
Strange! (I am so strange)
Strange, strange
In your perfect world
So strange, strange
I feel so absurd in this life
Don't come closer
You'll die slowly
In my arms,
Forever you'll be strange, strange
Like me…

Saturday, April 24, 2010

damnit this is me.

obviously i'm posting its 3am. Ugh..... So i have this habit. It's annoying. Until recently  it was brought to my attention as a good thing, but despite what people say, i still find it as a fault. I am ridiculously raw and open to everyone. I can't hide my feelings and I can't hide what is in my past. I am constantly who I am in that moment and who i was before that moment. It sux if it makes you uncomfortable that i am what i am, but i seriously cannot help it. What sux for me is that people are turned off by it. It's like some magical switch gets turned off, and the people around me are turned off. i lose alot of friends over how real i am. its frustrating and i never know how to fix it. I think people would prefer if i kept things to myself. If i didn't tell them how life is led. But how horrible would that be? How pointless my mistakes become, in their judgmental, naive eyes. sigh. there is not much i can do about it. Its not that i refuse to change. i literally cannot. It is me. I am what i am. There is not changing what i've done or what i am doing right now. I'd apologize but then that is not what i'm feeling at all right now, so i can't.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Book Theme

Everytime someone asks me what I'm passionate about I always tell them my book that I'm writing. The next question is always "oh, what is it about?"..... that is the hardest question to answer. Do you want me to give you an outline or clips of dialogue? Then I sat down and really tried to get feelings for what my book was truly about. This is what came out of me. It's perfect; it is the essence of my book. 

You discover who you are,
It is hidden deep within the folds of your soul.
All you need to complete in the inner being.
Continuing upwards, steep climb that it is.
Don’t lose that part of you, swing from it.
Let it carry you
Let it make you fly.
They’re going to come; they’re going to leave.
The scales fall, dead all around you.
Their nails are full of your skin,
It has all been pulled and torn.
Keep running, keep going.
You will feel like just a piece, incomplete.
Your light is still growing,
The season is blooming.
When you reach the top, you will see.
Your light was within yourself,
You had it all along.
You will feel whole; you will stand on your own.
Above their grasps, towering over their needs.
Lift your hands; let it burst forth from your bosom.
You’ve discovered who you are. 

Sunday, April 18, 2010

It's a choice.

Friday, April 16, 2010

My thoughts at 3am...

Father, I have let you down again.
In my weakness I have discovered numb.
I cannot feel what it is that You want me to feel.
I can’t move, I’ve bound myself too tightly.
Release me, though I know not why.
Let me have my wings again, I want to soar.
High above all of this, my surrounding.
I want to breathe clean again.
I want to feel again,
Let me know what it is that You have for me.
Teach me to feel again, Father.
I cannot do this alone.
I cannot do this, myself is crushed.
Not only am I Your prodigal,
I am weakness. I exist to displease.
You are the strength.. You are the perfection.
In our weakness, You are make strong.
In our inabilities, Your glory is risen.
Pick me back up, let me fly again.
Let me see you, face to face. 

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Complete Abandon

I have to write about this past weekend. It seems only fair that since I write on here all the stuff that I'm going through, I relay what God is putting me through; very different but equally powerful things. The past 5 months have been insane, and luckily life's only getting crazier for me. Since January I have had my share of ups and downs. Downs being complete binge drinking and thoughts of suicide, while my ups have been a life completely coated in Grace and learning that His love is complete and over-flowing. It does not matter what happens or how badly i screw up, I am HIS screw up. So, I've been learning all of this. Frankly it feels like it did when you get out of elementary school and then they throw you in middle school and suddenly everything is different. What you were knew before is no longer and there is this whole new world around you. You're rediscovering things. It almost makes me giddy. (ok, not almost, i'm actually grinning while writing this). SO, in discovering this new world around me by seeing it through His love, my Father has been reiterating the same principle to me over and over again. Now that I think back, i believe i was looking for direction when i was 19 about whether or not to pursue schools in Israel, and instead of giving me a life itinerary like i wanted, He simply said: You live your life with abandon, when are you going to start living for Me with complete abandon? Ok, so at 19 i had to look up abandonment in the dictionary, because i only had one definition in my head and i was pretty sure He wasn't asking me to leave Him.

abandon (n.): complete lack of inhibition or restraint

oh. that definition. I can look back now and realize even with good ol' Webster I still didn't get it. I was so caught up in pursuing MY dreams of going to Israel and figuring out what God wanted me to do with me life (ha) that I didn't realize the one thing He really wanted from me: a life of complete and total abandon. So the last few months I have been toying with the idea of this life of surrender; dying to one's self; abandonment. Once I was out of jail I realized how much of my life was really under my control, and therefore completely out of control. I wasn't ready to give it up though. Here is how I pictured it in my head (being the visual 'seer' that i am): Grand Canyon style (though i've never been, so i'm really just making this up here) and Abba and I are on the edge and He's asking me to jump. Not jump like crazy arms flailing, but pure, strong, and confident. But i can't. There is this rope around my leg that i tied myself. It's attached to the ground about 20 ft away. Around the stake are all the people in my life; all my dreams and hopes; all my needs, wants, and desires. I know I'm tied to the ground. I know that I did it myself. For the last 5 months I have had a lot of warfare going on inside me. I have been trying to find a way to live for Him while still keeping my life safely in my arms. I've discovered it doesn't work that way. This past weekend was a swift kick in the ass from my Dad. The series was on being a follower of Christ or a fan. (Jew, its kinda like are you human or are you dancer? yeah.. you sooo don't want to be human or a fan). By session 3 the speaker was officially stepping on my toes and I was actually loving it. He was saying how the "Christian Life" isn't about a set of rules, or code of conduct. It's about constantly, minute by minute (or at least for me thats what it is) dying to yourself and choosing Christ. Everything in my life is about dying to what i want and looking at Christ and saying "ok, you pick".   After session 2 we were told to go off by ourselves for an hour or so and just ask Him what he was asking us to die to. I'll be honest, i was out on the dock, the sun was shining and i took a nap. Ha. But when i did wake up, I started asking Him to reveal the things in my life that He thought I was 'tying' myself to.
1) My job. Damnit. I like my job, or so I love the money i make at my job. I hate working at a bar and I hate being around alcohol constantly.
2) My future. I'm a planner, I love living in the future. The best quote for this is from my 'religious backbone book' The Shack: It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be.

Those were the main ones, and I'll have to say i was surprised He didn't bring up my drinking. He never does, oddly enough.hmmmm. Anyways. My job. Yes this weekend I feel like God was calling me to quit my job. Right before the summer. Right before the amazing money kicks in. WTH. So i had to cut that rope. (PS, looking for a new job now...) My future.... ok this one is harder, because my lease is up in 3 months and so obviously I've been googling places to live like crazy... all of which are out of this horrible 'i'm going to take your license and never give it back' state. So I'm constantly dying to that while i literally type in searches on craigslist. Its complicated, but i think its what He wants. The best part about all of this is that it's amazing during the day. Yup, when i'm just having to make a decision at work or wherever, I literally say "ok, i'm dying to this, You take it, and give it back the way You want it to happen." The stress-relief is over-whelming. 1000lbs just lifted off my back.  Wow, this was a longer post than usual, but i haven't really updated what's going on right now in my life. So there it is. He's teaching me complete abandon with my life, and I'm loving every minute of it.