Everytime I go to write more of my book I'm going through something new...I definitely need some focus and direction. Instead I sit down and just say " well Arianna, what do u want to do today? "

So he was completely right. I'm not in a good place right now at all. Maybe it's cause I'm drinking again. That's just depressing in and of itself. I need to stop. It's different being not really called out persay but just observed. Apparently I seemed to be in a better place before I was headed to jail than I am right now. I completely agree of course. Dying to oneself isn't easy. It's not this random choice you just make. I'm discovering it's a million choices all Over the place, throughout my day. Usually its also always a domino effect. If I make one bad choice I just continue to tell myself 'well I already did that why not this?' and so the cycle continues. Ugh. I find myself stuck in memories wishing I could go back and tell myself it's not worth it. But frankly I'm still making those bad decisions 3 years later. So would it really have mattered? What matters are the choices I'm making now. Is this a step backward or forward? Breaking out of this lifestyle is just one choice at a time. I'm willing to do it. I'm just going to hold Him to what He has promised me. Friends and a community to surround me. I need it. If I'm going to break away from this one, i can only ask that You replace it with what I need. I've lost alot of direction and I miss my book, alot. Maybe just maybe I can write again.

Kim Walker... how do you know me so well??? Your love makes it worth it all. All to You I surrender. I choose You, I choose You.

UPDATE

So this sux. Life that is. I mean, i miss jail. Which is to say that in jail there was no life. You didn't have to make decisions or be tested on anything. My proudest moment was when in a "don't shake your babies" class, i got to be the only one raising my hand saying i didn't have children. Out here my proudest moment is when I don't do that 3rd shot or drunk dial my ex, or sleep with him for that matter. I hate it out here. Pride sux. When you're so good for even, lets say hypothetically 3 weeks, or even 15 weeks, and then you crash. Why did you crash? because you f-n felt like getting trashed. You were sick of sitting there while everyone else had all the fun. And then he happened. Well since you've fallen off the wagon, why not roll around in the mud and make it a happy-fun time? Ugh... trying to climb back on the wagon, but frankly the wagon is SUPER lonely. whatever. Let's try this again, shall we? Btw, supposed to be going to AA twice a week... haven't gone yet... damnit it's cold outside and i am not walking across town just to hear other people talk about how bad it sux we don't drink anymore.

My Faults

I'm easily defensive and i take everything waaaay too personally. Yes, i know this. Please, though, could you be a bit nicer?