Thursday, March 4, 2010

So he was completely right. I'm not in a good place right now at all. Maybe it's cause I'm drinking again. That's just depressing in and of itself. I need to stop. It's different being not really called out persay but just observed. Apparently I seemed to be in a better place before I was headed to jail than I am right now. I completely agree of course. Dying to oneself isn't easy. It's not this random choice you just make. I'm discovering it's a million choices all Over the place, throughout my day. Usually its also always a domino effect. If I make one bad choice I just continue to tell myself 'well I already did that why not this?' and so the cycle continues. Ugh. I find myself stuck in memories wishing I could go back and tell myself it's not worth it. But frankly I'm still making those bad decisions 3 years later. So would it really have mattered? What matters are the choices I'm making now. Is this a step backward or forward? Breaking out of this lifestyle is just one choice at a time. I'm willing to do it. I'm just going to hold Him to what He has promised me. Friends and a community to surround me. I need it. If I'm going to break away from this one, i can only ask that You replace it with what I need. I've lost alot of direction and I miss my book, alot. Maybe just maybe I can write again.

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