Monday, July 12, 2010

I'm stuffed, God. (and it's not even Thanksgiving yet)

I am full. "Of what, dear Summer?", you ask. 
  "Life and all it's unexpected intricacies."

My last post was just a bubble of all that is swirling through my brain right now. A new subtext has developed in my life. 

Header: Complete Abandon
Title for this point: Self-Perception

You're saying that I have a bad perception of myself? You must be joking. You see, I am simply fantastic. Ask anyone. Fabulous, even, in some circles. What's that You say? I don't truly see myself for what I am? I am greater than what I see? Thank God, because frankly this isn't all that fantastic as it would seem. Yes, I know, you think my hair is adorable. My clothes are always put together, and damnit my nails are always painted.  I seem to know what looks good and pleasing to the eyes, and can create it. I have a God-given talent to take a picture of what I see in my head and recreate you to fit it. Amazing. Can I tell you a secret? Can I whisper a little somethin' in your ear? I don't think I'm beautiful. I don't see a diamond when God's Presence lights in me. When everyone's compliments and adoration are covering my skin like paper mache, I can't show you that I feel like an empty cast. I wasn't even aware of my emptiness. I am been struggling with spirits of competition, intimidation, and overall annoyance with everyone around me. My need for people to like me, wait, look up to me, has started to control the way I act around people and how I perceive myself. My Father just brought this to my attention. It was taking me awhile to get it, because I really didn't think I struggled with anything starting with "self-". I am completely founded in my self-worth. Bring it on, I know that I am save, redeemed, and that I got this. Don't bring up my past... I'll throw my future in your face. So I thought I was good. Not so much. My frustrations with people being younger than me but more spiritually mature  were growing. I'm intimidated by people who know where God is sending them and know what He's doing in their lives. I hate skinny girls. That's just a snippet of my thoughts... pretty much all the time. SO...... after a really "off" week God hit me Saturday night at Immerse. 3 different people approached me with different words about my view of myself, each were different metaphors. 

1) Bride of God
          Ok, what do you think of when someone calls you a bride? Yes, I am ignoring the whole New Testament Bride of Christ image because it muddles our imaginations. Since I've recently been to 2 weddings in the last month I have fresh thoughts on how it feels to be a bride. Wearing white makes me uncomfortable (besides the fact that white is so not my color) and I definitely don't think of myself as pure (I'm a Samantha).  We're a poor, new couple and yet you're showing up at my wedding demanding I feed you. Awesome. Daddy/Daughter dances piss me off and make me cry. Then He reminded me of what I was forgetting about: the groom. I forgot that the best part of being the bride is how excited the groom is to see you and be yours. He's been working so hard to get to this point with you and now you're his..... He's thrilled to be with you. That is what God is thinking when He sees me. I'm wearing white, I'm pure, and He can't wait to show me off to the world. Say what!?!? I had no idea how to even digest that. 

          God thinks of me as a jewel. Something of value, and yet priceless. Yet again: Say what!?!?!

3) Mirror
          When you look in the mirror what do you see? Literally everything: your personality and your outward appearance. What are those things about yourself that you resent and despise? What do you wish you could change the most about yourself? How do you view your past, your history? I had no idea that I viewed myself so badly until I answered these questions. I'm disgusting, blemished, and imperfect. Then I was given this word: "In the next year God will change how you view you. He will show you all that He created in you. Those things you resent and despise, He created those in you. In a year you won't recognize you. No one will. He doesn't remember your past, you are perfect." Yeah. I'm just sitting here like.... oh ok. um... ok. Good Lord I'm so excited about that. There are things in my personality that I am not even aware of yet and He is going make them rise to the surface and show me. I am going to embrace who I am, instead of squelching my child-like nature. 

4) Baby
          I was shown a picture of how God sees me again, as a baby. Think about it, really think. When you see a baby what do you think of? Innocence, potential, and full of life. You don't think of anything they've done because there is nothing, they were just born. That quality of innocence hit me in the face. I am innocent. I am innocent. I. AM. INNOCENT. He holds me like a baby and just sees all the potential that is in me for His kingdom. I am precious and beautiful. Adorable. Excited. Babies get so excited about their parents and everything that they have to show them. That is how I feel in my Father's presence, excited. I'm giddy and slap-happy. He's so fantastically wonderful. Look all He has for us to step into. We were made for glory. We are royalty. We have destiny. We have been set free. We can change the world. (ok that was a little Jake Hamilton lyrics... but I'm listening to him right now)

So that is what God is working in me right now. Self-perception. I'm not sure how many people actually read this, but if you do: Think about how you see yourself, then stop and ask God to show you truth. Ask Him to show you HIS mirror. You might just be surprised at what you see staring back at you. It might even make you giggle a little bit. I did. 

Shalom, y'all. 

1 comment:

  1. I give you props baby. It takes guts to look at yourself that closely. That whole mirror thing? Yeah, not likely. Seriously, that was awesome. Maybe someday I will be able to allow God to take me on the ride you're going on. I cannot express to you how excited I am for you.