Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Let Go and Let God

good lord that sounds so cheezy, but right now its soooo true. All my life i've had a very hard time with possessiveness. My things are my things. You may look but don't touch. I would freak out if someone borrowed anything of mine and I can't stand people even using my kitchen appliances. I've just always been this way. The 5 main things in my life that are MINE: my very expensive fantastic bed, my iphone, my macbook, my car, and my clothes. Typical things to value, i suppose. My problem was i didn't just value, i possessed these things. No one was allowed to touch them, borrow them, or even use them in front of me. These are mine, don't touch them. My 'problem' started when i decided to start praying for God to strip me of everything in my life until i had nothing else to hang onto except Him. (PS i wouldn't even recommend praying this unless you're ready to have your life turned upside down). Just to recap to date, as of today: I've lost my car/license, my iphone has been lost/broken 3xs now (God willing, He lets me continue to have it right now), my Macbook was broken for forever and by His grace its in decent working order right now, but i'm humbly thankful it even runs (i dumped an entire beer allllll over it), i'm leaving my bed in GR while i head to Marquette b/c i have no way to get it up there, but they have a bed for me to use (my sister will be borrowing it while i'm gone *breathe*), and i've officially cut my clothing ownership in HALF giving to my sisters and cousins what i'm not taking with me. I don't think i've thrown quite the temper tantrum to God like what i did today. I couldn't let go of all these things that mean so much to me. But when i took a step back, (and quit stomping my foot) and really asked Him: "why? Why am i acting like this? Why is this so hard for me to let go of?" He said this:

You are defining who you are by what you have around you. You are NOT what you wear. Your status to people around you isn't raised b/c you have an iphone in your hand or because you type on a macbook. You aren't defined by your independence (ability to drive around and take care of myself). You view your bed as that one piece of furniture that is "home" to you. If you have that, you feel like you're home. That isn't a part of you. Quit defining yourself by what is around you, and start letting people see what is inside. Let that outshine everything else.

It's still hard, but He is soooo right (duh). I'm letting go. I'm letting Him have everything. (well Him and everyone else around me). This stuff is replaceable. I made a list of the things i need and the things i want.....
I need: food, a place to live, money for bills, companionship, and encounter with Him.

I want: nesting in a home of my own, job in a salon, husband, warm climate, and a puppy.

There God, thats all i got. I know You are good and will supply all my needs. Thats all i can ask for. :-)

I'm being stripped of everything in my life.... its painful, and sometimes I literally feel stripped of the skin I've created over the years, but He's here and I'm loving every second of Him.

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